My Swollen, Red, Angry Puss Filled Boil

And My New Girlfriend’s Mum

7 min readMar 2, 2019

This is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down — when my new girlfriends mum stabbed me in the groin with a hot needle to treat my infected abscess. Warning; this story is disgusting.

When I met my current girlfriend I was a 24 year old waster from London who could barely pull himself out of bed before noon. I spent too much money on booze, and wasted too much time watching anime late into the night.

I had been dating Katja for a month or so. The relationship took a while to get going on account of my crippling insecurity and depression. My last relationship culminated in a nasty break up and I felt completely uprooted. My confidence had been destroyed and Katja exercised great patience in waiting until I pieced myself back together again.

Katja, in my eyes, was a super woman. She was studying a full-time degree in musical theatre which involved acting, singing and dancing — with subsets of disciplines in those areas. She provided private tuition in German, math's, physics and dance. She also worked part time shifts at a pub to pay for a small single bedroom in London whilst auditioning to perform in a West End show.

I was intimidated to say the least, but mostly in awe. How did she do all of those things? And more importantly — why? Don’t you realize how good TV is nowadays? You have 30 minutes free and you want to exercise? Calm down and stop being so productive!

From what she told me, all of her friends were confident, intelligent and sophisticated women. Her mother is a doctor and many of her friends are budding academics. Basically, my girlfriend’s social circle are high achievers and I (someone who aims for the minimum standard of work ethic) was going to meet them.

She had invited them all from Germany to see her perform in her end of year show. Although I had partly recovered from my previous relationship, I still had a healthy amount of insecurity in regards to my relationship with Katja. Plus I wasn't the most ambition person in the world, neither am I the most charming. I had scenes play out in my head about how meeting her friends at the airport would go;