Member-only story
Rediscovering Confidence
I was a cripplingly shy boy. Always the outcast. I looked like Mowgli when I was a kid — If Mowgli scowled at everything in the jungle. My father is African/Indian and my mother Italian/Irish. Interestingly, certain phenotypical traits associated with my heritage came to the surface as my body changed. As a young whipper snapper, I was incredibly self conscious about my appearance. Thick curls of wavy black hair fell over my chubby face. I hated the way I looked, and looked at everybody like I hated them. My childhood was a veritable shit storm. Too long a story to tell, but it certainly made my introversion worse. I became a shadow. I likely came off very strange in primary school. I was sensitive, awkward and emotional. After several failed attempts at establishing friendships, I was avoided completely.
The most predominant feeling that permeated my life for many years, was envy. People, young and old, seemed fulfilled. They seemed intelligent and emotionally stable, whereas I second guessed every thought I had and every word I wanted to say. I was incredibly apprehensive. Performance anxiety infected everything I did. As I grew older, the other children grew in confidence. Teenagers, as I observed, were incredibly self-assured. Even the ones that weren’t, had their moments. There was no emotional territory where I came alive. No area of life where I felt comfortable.
