Things I Use To Scratch Myself With

Photo by Tucker Good on Unsplash

Things I use to scratch myself with;

Pen (The classic)

Forks

Knives (serrated and blunt)

The edges of furniture

Other people’s hands

Bottle caps

My staff card

Keys

The metal bit at the end of the wire you use to charge your phone

The edges of a notebook

The plastic shell casing for paracetamol

Scissors

I once used a cashew nut (no joke)

DVD case

A pound coin

The cap of a highlighter pen

Paper clip

The shells of pistachio nuts

USB memory stick

My own toes

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That’s right, this is literally a list of everyday items I use to scratch myself with. Now give me money. Only joking, this isn't subscribed to the Medium pay programme.

I have a chronic nail biting problem so the items listed above are absolutely necessary implements in my life long goal to scratch itches. I have a deal with my girlfriend. If she catches me biting my nails, she punches me. Right in the head. Right in the bloody head. Bitch. Only joking, I love her, love her to pieces.

One time, she caught me scratching my crusty shins with the cap from her water bottle…she was disgusted. There was a small pile of skin flakes inside the bottle cap from excessive cap scratching, she caught me about to put the cap back on her bottle. She came at me like a fucking storm. To be honest I don't blame her. True love guys. Find somebody that will let you scratch your skin flakes in bed with a knife.

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Writer/actor/poet/idiot. Trying to provide light-hearted content and the occasional serious poem about life and stuff, but mostly stuff

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Aaron Kara

Aaron Kara

Writer/actor/poet/idiot. Trying to provide light-hearted content and the occasional serious poem about life and stuff, but mostly stuff

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